Little by little I've been getting a better idea of what I want to do with my life. My biggest dilemma is that most of the places I want to go are too far from all the people I love, so you're all going to have to come with me or I'm not leaving. I know that life is about change, but I don't want to accept that I wont always be within bussing distance of my friends and family. Since I moved I haven't done a very good job of making new friends. I've become known as the hermit, or the shut-in, who people see once a week or less. So leaving the country is scary, even though the idea of new things still excites me.

Nevertheless, I've given a lot of thought to my future career and there are a few things that appeal to me:

- owning an independent bookstore
- working in a museum
- something that has to do with writing

I just don't think my current degree is worth it. More and more I've been feeling like this isn't the right path to be taking, but I don't know what else there is. I think I need to talk to a careers advisor.

Still, even if I do change my papers or leave Vic completely, I've already got this huge debt to pay off. So perhaps I should take a year to save up, maybe get a flat and a full time job.

But I need to finish this year first, and I need to finish it well. Because I'm not going to make these last 7 months a waste of time. No. I'm going to home for the Christmas holidays proud of myself, so I can honestly say that I went to univeristy and I tried. I don't want to be known as the first of my family in generations to go to uni and fail.

Anyway, it's 2.32am. I should be getting to bed soon, or at least getting off the cmputer and reading for a bit :)

xx

oh god, i know i shouldn't be writing this because it's late and i'm not feeling good about stuff so it's all going to sound really whiny, but

apart from all the uni stress i don't feel particularly good about my life and where i'm at right now

i feel overweight and unwell and i don't know how to fix that because i'm too set in my ways and i don't know how to break out of it, and i know people will try to give me advice if i asked but it all just goes over my head, you know i think for a second maybe 'that's a pretty good idea' but then i've dismissed it again. i think (because i haven't weighed myself in a month) that i've put on five, maybe six kg since the beginning of year, and it's affecting everything. i feel extremely self conscious, all the time, and it's tiring. every time i go out to buy food i think 'something healthy this time!' and then i buy potato chips or chocolate.

it's worse because now i can go out and buy all the junk i want since i live in the city and there's no one telling me not to do it. my mum would, but i don't tell her.

i know everyone has mixed standards, like some people say 'you shouldn't worry about weight!' and others say that you have to be skinny to be happy and i just don't know what to think. people are always saying to me that i'm a normal weight or even that i'm skinny (i know! ridiculous!) but when i look at myself... i feel actual disgust. i want to cut off all the gross bits until i'm as toned and as sexy as i imagine i could be if i'd only work for it.

it's not like this is new, though. even at my smallest i still felt too big. it's always been there, or at least since high school started, when some of the girls in my year frequently called me "pregnant" and i started to realise how my stomach wasn't flat and i looked weird in the school shirts. i used to call my sister fat (because, well, she is a lot bigger than me) but i've realised how completely shit that must have been for her because i know that feeling like this is completely shit for me.


so yeah that's been enough for today & i'm sorry about this post.

bit better.

Things are better now. At least I know I'm not going to be kicked out or anything. Today I had a meeting with Student Learning Support and got some advice on essay writing, so that should help a bit.

I mean I not completely appeased- I'm still really worried, but I don't have to think about having to find something else to do. I'm still here, I'm still allowed to be here, and that's good enough for now. And I've been getting to more classes and sleeping more. So~