oh god, i know i shouldn't be writing this because it's late and i'm not feeling good about stuff so it's all going to sound really whiny, but

apart from all the uni stress i don't feel particularly good about my life and where i'm at right now

i feel overweight and unwell and i don't know how to fix that because i'm too set in my ways and i don't know how to break out of it, and i know people will try to give me advice if i asked but it all just goes over my head, you know i think for a second maybe 'that's a pretty good idea' but then i've dismissed it again. i think (because i haven't weighed myself in a month) that i've put on five, maybe six kg since the beginning of year, and it's affecting everything. i feel extremely self conscious, all the time, and it's tiring. every time i go out to buy food i think 'something healthy this time!' and then i buy potato chips or chocolate.

it's worse because now i can go out and buy all the junk i want since i live in the city and there's no one telling me not to do it. my mum would, but i don't tell her.

i know everyone has mixed standards, like some people say 'you shouldn't worry about weight!' and others say that you have to be skinny to be happy and i just don't know what to think. people are always saying to me that i'm a normal weight or even that i'm skinny (i know! ridiculous!) but when i look at myself... i feel actual disgust. i want to cut off all the gross bits until i'm as toned and as sexy as i imagine i could be if i'd only work for it.

it's not like this is new, though. even at my smallest i still felt too big. it's always been there, or at least since high school started, when some of the girls in my year frequently called me "pregnant" and i started to realise how my stomach wasn't flat and i looked weird in the school shirts. i used to call my sister fat (because, well, she is a lot bigger than me) but i've realised how completely shit that must have been for her because i know that feeling like this is completely shit for me.


so yeah that's been enough for today & i'm sorry about this post.