come as you are

“I get cross, then sad, and finally end up turning my heart inside out, and keep trying to find a way to become what I’d like to be and what I could be if….if only there were no other people in the world.”

—	Anne Frank

I've been at home for about three weeks now, and I have to say I haven't accomplished much. I've been to some group gatherings and just recently saw my best friend for the first time since last December. I've mowed some lawns, cleaned the house a couple times, listened to a lot of music, watched some movies... not a lot. I haven't lost any weight, found a job or a flat, or improved my eating or sleeping habits. My mum is starting to get really fed up. Every day she's on my case, but I just don't feel motivated. If I were able to do whatever I wanted, I'd find a cozy job in a little bookstore, live in an apartment with all my books and my cats and maybe a dog, and ignore the rest of humanity (apart from a select few) for the rest of my life. I don't know what happened, but at some point I decided that I don't much care for the whole idea of how life is "supposed" to be. What's the point of everything? What does it mean? Yeah, I know. Whatever.

I can't do much until I have a driver's license anyway, and that's going to take a while.

I just want a fun summer unhindered by responsibility. I miss the high school years so much during times like these. I wish I could go back two years, to the end of year 12. Go on camp again. Change some things. Work harder. Do something other than wasting time at university. Take a gap year after school finishes, and then think about uni. I feel like I've ruined my life already, even though I'm still in my teens, and people keep telling me there's nothing wrong with being temporarily misdirected. I don't know.

I have no idea what to do now.