bad, bad day

i feel awful - not physically, just mentally and emotionally and possibly spiritually too.
which is weird because on monday i had this... long, long moment of gratitude and peace. i was sitting on the bus to wellington listening to jeff buckley and looking at the sunset and i just... i thought "i'm allowed to be alive," or something like that, and i legit teared up right there on the bus (which was nearly empty anyway). it didn't help that i was listening to lover you should've come over because that song kILLS me man


and then today i just had the shittiest day possibly of my life in that NOTHING went the way it should have. i was late to the station and missed my first bus and then i booked another, only i missed that one too because the ticket guy led me to believe that i was catching a train. i know i shouldn't blame him but i really did think it was a train i was catching. i sat there on platform nine watching the bus i was supposed to catch leave the station and i stood up and went inside and asked where the train was and the lady said "yeah, this is a bus ticket", and i just broke down. i couldn't handle it. after all that crap i came up with about not worrying where you are in the world so long as you have the means to get home.

i wasted $30 on bus tickets then spent another $30 on tickets for buses that i did catch. and probably another $100 more on movies and food. i'm a bad person and i shouln't be allowed to handle money.

and i am physically hurting. i did... something to a muscle in my butt. yeah. ahh. it hurts when i cough and when i sit on it. i have work for 8 hours on friday too. just thinking about it makes me want to quit my job. i won't though, obviously.

but hey, enough negativity. i should try and focus on the cool people that i met at weir house, the conversations i had, the movies i watched. and that bus journey in, during which i felt so good to be alive and not dead. to have lived 19 whole years practically unhindered by major upsets, mostly healthy and happy at least half the time. i have all the things i need to make a life for myself. i have a brain, a body, a job, and people who love me. so why let one terrible day spoil that feeling? i've decided i won't. i'm going to try and get that feeling back as often as i can.

:)

almost a month away and now I'm back!

whew. over 3 weeks with no new posts. I just wanted to update y'all since i know not all of you have my tumblr link (just ask if you're interested).

so let's see:

• I have a job! my friend Leone got me a trial at her work (a chinese/vietnamese restaurant in feilding) and so I did that last Thursday and now I have a job for Thursdays and some weekends. It's pretty good, easy... you know. And I got paid, even though it was just a training thing and I didn't do much! I've never been a waitress before. It's fun :)
• There's another possible job on the horizon, at the Mobil in Feilding. They're looking for someone right now so I handed in an application yesterday. It's an after school/weekends thing. I really really hope I get it :3
• I don't have a flat yet, but we're still looking. Nadia pulled out so it's just me, Isaac and Breandan now.

that's it really! :))

so I decided to take down all the nanowrimo and nano related posts on this blog. I was getting tired of putting them up and stuff. I passed 17,500 words today, which I'm really happy about! I haven't seen anyone around here in ages (before keryn and rachel's recent posts, anyway). maybe it's time I abandon this blog for a while again.

hey hey!

hey guys! thought I ought to write another one of these, it's been so long since the last one. I am still at home (!!! :((( !!!) but the flatting thing is def moving forward! mum wants to buy us a house in feilding that she can rent to us, and we've found this really great place which we're checking out on sunday. if all goes well we'll get a loan and buy it, probably in the next couple weeks. I've applied for a job at Countdown and tomorrow I'm going in to hand out heaps more CVs around town, mostly at the supermarkets, the warehouse and places like mitre 10 and farmlands and stuff.

but for now I'm kinda just... drifting, at home. mum doesn't like it much but I don't really know what else to do. I don't have anything going right now except for this pub quiz every wednesday night, which me, keryn, james and jess m do. it's good fun, and 15-20 bucks each time. better than nothing! :)

right, well, gonna go finish watching my movie. I've been slowly getting through Das Boot... it's so so long... :D

xox

some other stuff I forgot :D

ahh yes, I would like to know who still reads this blog, lurker or not!! thanks :)
I'm also going to post a little 'to do list' for this year. not resolutions, just stuff I'd like to do at some point, but hopefully before december :D

• get a tattoo
• go to a music concert
• read more than 50 new books
• go to Taupo to see my Grandma
• go up to Auckland to see my bestie

so far I've read three new books this year - american gods by neil gaiman, the cat's table by michael ondaatje and a dance with dragons by george r r martin. right now i'm reading the girl with the dragon tattoo.
speaking of tattoos, I still want one! I've sort of decided on a rose, on my back. nothing too flashy, just a smallish red rose on the side, below my shoulder. I've been wanting a tattoo for a couple years now and I've finally got the right idea :)
my grandad died three days after I turned 18 last year, and my grandma, who is turning 91 this year, is still living in Taupo. she had a stroke the year before last and she's recovered some but she's probably not long for this world, and I want to go see her as soon as possible, before it's too late like it was with grandad.
I've also never been to a music concert before! it's sad. none of my friends reeally have the same music taste as me, apart from a couple similarities between me and keryn or me and jess. if sufjan stevens decides to visit again (please please please!) I'll go alone, I don't even care :D
that's it for now. the list will probably expand over time though :3
xox

some stuff

yep so things are pretty good right now! I had my laptop taken off me 2 weeks ago because everyone blamed me for the internet going over but it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. For the last 10 days I've been getting up at 8am and minding the office until 12, then again from 4-6. I've earned some money doing that and cleaning the house which is great because now I have enough to pay for the zoo trip, which is in 4 days! I've also lost some weight because of all this and I just feel better overall, and apparently it's noticable :) I'm just... happy. After 10 months of being constantly apathetic and unhappy and maybe even a little depressed, it's such a nice change.

only just noticed this but...

i have over 300 posts now! this is the 304th! I've also had this blog since December 13th 2009, so over 2 years. And I've been posting fairly regularly since then. There's so much stuff on here it's kind of insane. And the fact that there are still people reading it just amazes me, so yeah, thank you :)

Also, a note on part 8: I specified in a previous part that Mathias is in the government's weaponry department, and is primarily in charge of finding and disarming stray bombs, like those guys who drive around africa & the middle east looking for land mines in the roads.

2012 and plans for the future~*

hello everyone! hope your christmas/new years celebrations were awesome. I had a pretty good last couple weeks of 2011, I have to say, and the fact that Christmas Day was much better than I had hoped makes up the most of that.

as you probably know, I'm planning to move out (again) later this month, to somewhere in Feilding. iz, breen, nadia and i have already planned most of it already, now all that remains is where to go and, for me and breen, which jobs to get. I've pretty much finished writing up my CV, now i just need to take it into some places in town.

i'm really really excited about this, but the problem is that i probably wont be able to raise enough money for the bond and first week's food by then, so i'm counting on mum once again.