i feel awful - not physically, just mentally and emotionally and possibly spiritually too.
which is weird because on monday i had this... long, long moment of gratitude and peace. i was sitting on the bus to wellington listening to jeff buckley and looking at the sunset and i just... i thought "i'm allowed to be alive," or something like that, and i legit teared up right there on the bus (which was nearly empty anyway). it didn't help that i was listening to lover you should've come over because that song kILLS me man
and
then today i just had the shittiest day possibly of my life in that
NOTHING went the way it should have. i was late to the station and
missed my first bus and then i booked another, only i missed that one
too because the ticket guy led me to believe that i was catching a
train. i know i shouldn't blame him but i really did think it was a
train i was catching. i sat there on platform nine watching the bus i
was supposed to catch leave the station and i stood up and went inside
and asked where the train was and the lady said "yeah, this is a bus
ticket", and i just broke down. i couldn't handle it. after all that
crap i came up with about not worrying where you are in the world so
long as you have the means to get home.
i wasted $30 on bus tickets then spent another $30 on tickets for buses that i did catch. and probably another $100 more on movies and food. i'm a bad person and i shouln't be allowed to handle money.
and i am physically hurting. i did... something to a muscle in my butt. yeah. ahh. it hurts when i cough and when i sit on it. i have work for 8 hours on friday too. just thinking about it makes me want to quit my job. i won't though, obviously.
but hey, enough negativity. i should try and focus on the cool people that i met at weir house, the conversations i had, the movies i watched. and that bus journey in, during which i felt so good to be alive and not dead. to have lived 19 whole years practically unhindered by major upsets, mostly healthy and happy at least half the time. i have all the things i need to make a life for myself. i have a brain, a body, a job, and people who love me. so why let one terrible day spoil that feeling? i've decided i won't. i'm going to try and get that feeling back as often as i can.
:)
which is weird because on monday i had this... long, long moment of gratitude and peace. i was sitting on the bus to wellington listening to jeff buckley and looking at the sunset and i just... i thought "i'm allowed to be alive," or something like that, and i legit teared up right there on the bus (which was nearly empty anyway). it didn't help that i was listening to lover you should've come over because that song kILLS me man
and
then today i just had the shittiest day possibly of my life in that
NOTHING went the way it should have. i was late to the station and
missed my first bus and then i booked another, only i missed that one
too because the ticket guy led me to believe that i was catching a
train. i know i shouldn't blame him but i really did think it was a
train i was catching. i sat there on platform nine watching the bus i
was supposed to catch leave the station and i stood up and went inside
and asked where the train was and the lady said "yeah, this is a bus
ticket", and i just broke down. i couldn't handle it. after all that
crap i came up with about not worrying where you are in the world so
long as you have the means to get home.i wasted $30 on bus tickets then spent another $30 on tickets for buses that i did catch. and probably another $100 more on movies and food. i'm a bad person and i shouln't be allowed to handle money.
and i am physically hurting. i did... something to a muscle in my butt. yeah. ahh. it hurts when i cough and when i sit on it. i have work for 8 hours on friday too. just thinking about it makes me want to quit my job. i won't though, obviously.
but hey, enough negativity. i should try and focus on the cool people that i met at weir house, the conversations i had, the movies i watched. and that bus journey in, during which i felt so good to be alive and not dead. to have lived 19 whole years practically unhindered by major upsets, mostly healthy and happy at least half the time. i have all the things i need to make a life for myself. i have a brain, a body, a job, and people who love me. so why let one terrible day spoil that feeling? i've decided i won't. i'm going to try and get that feeling back as often as i can.
:)
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